well, amongst other things, i'm simply not encouraged to write. i guess i like an audience and when i feel like i'm typing to myself, i simply don't feel as much impetus to write. thanks to those of you who have posted comments in the past, but i think i'm just going to start cutting down on my blog entries because i don't a) want to type an entry asking for comments, nor do i b) want to make anybody feel obligated to leave comments.
it seems people only read this when i remind them of this. it kind of makes me feel like i'm trying to allow my friends to keep up with me, but they simply don't... and i don't hold it against them, either. a blog is like getting a mass e-mail, except worse. i never reply to mass e-mails because it's so impersonal and so i can imagine why others don't either. but by posting here, i don't even send people the text directly... so even the paltry few responses my mass e-mails elicited have been eliminated..
i mean, sometimes i'll get in touch with somebody i haven't seen in awhile and remind them of this blog. they'll read a few posts, maybe post a comment, and that's that. not until the next time i write...
plus, this thing probably ain't too interesting. as it stands...
on a different note, i'm reading Kenneth C. Davis' Don't Know Much about History and it is a nice easy way to digest history and set some things straight in my already crowded mind.
on yet a different note, i'm thinking ultra-psychoanalytically today.
it seems that i push away those that i might ever hold any romantic interest in. i know this because i'm doing it now. the opposite party has no clue, but i can tell i'm doing it in my mind.
whenever i'm told (by them usually) or realize that something will never work romantically with a girl, i immediately start to distance myself from the situation and thus the girl too. maybe i'm destroying perfectly good relationships - people with whom i could otherwise develop wonderful friendships. it doesn't matter if the obstacle is mental (on both our parts), physical or geographic, i want to distance myself (pun intended or unintended, you choose).
i'm currently finding myself rejecting somebody who i care tremendously about because i have recently developed a mental attachment to them - the worst part is that they don't know anything about it and probably never will. we'll just "fall" out of contact by silence on my part and it doesn't matter if they're in the same room or not.
and now i'm stuck. simply stuck. my current fixation is in its reaction phase - meaning that i'm at a point where i absolutely have no interest in seeing them. it's a protection mechanism - if i see her and spend time with her, i'll just fall in love again and then i'm going to have to go through this again. so my mind tells me that i have zero interest; it will be a big disappointment it tells me. i know better, i do. i really do.
and, in this circumstance, the obstacles are so great that i don't think there would ever be any possibility of anything anyway. but by thinking that, i just play it safe and i never give anything any possibility of success. but the current circumstances for my current situation provide me rationale enough to repeat the process. (to note: there is an obstacle this time around that makes me morally obligated not to interfere - a current boyfriend - even though i know that the feelings are possibly reciprocal.)
way back in high school, i didn't know jack about romance. i thought i did. i was wrong. i asked two friends out. they both turned me down. i can understand now why they said no. i was naive. i didn't present an attractive option.
now i know otherwise. girls have told me that they were attracted to me, but always after we're comfortably in "friend" territory. heck, somebody told me the other day that my ass looks good in this new pair of jeans i got over break... "but then you turned around and i said, 'oh, it's iain.'" but i'm way more confident now than i ever was in high school.
my reluctance to deal with my romantic insecurities is leading me down a path of transience and bachelorhood. i don't say 'loneliness' because i don't feel lonely. lonely, to me, means depressed about being single. certainly i do feel some nights would be better with someone to cuddle, but at the same point, i like my big bed and i like it being big, empty and all-to-myself.
i'm also not in a hurry. love will find me as much as i will find it. i don't necessarily need a girlfriend right now but i don't want to be 60 with a big, empty and all-to-myself bed. again, though, i'm not in a hurry and this is not a worry at the moment. it's something i merely wanted to make clear.
and why does this come up now? why am i writing now? this might make it apparent to some who might read this - i will, in a short time, be able to see said girl, for a short time. i don't want to see her and simultaneously be acting morose and ho-hum as it is against my personality type. i'm an optimistic, fun-loving person. so it's a little bit of a crisis for me at this point. i need to force myself over the hump of unconscious repression and let myself reform.
and, of course, i do and always will (probably) over-romanticize anything, everything and everybody. i am a dreamer, that's for sure.
on a related and less serious note, i was doing this bit on Ki Astrology with one of my classes (two students - Jan and Jana, there used to be another student named... Jan) and we calculated our own Ki signs. i came up as a number 3 soil sign. as i read the description it said that people are attracted to me because i have a "dynamic personality" and i questioned it out loud. Jana turned to me and said: "no, i think you do have a dynamic personality." is that why people would find me attractive? because i have a dynamic personality? i mean, i know i'm not a supermodel nor am i hideously ugly by any means... i don't know... something just struck as amusing about that. of course, i think astrology is bullocks anyway. yes, i just said bullocks.
Posted by iain at January 16, 2005 07:59 PMBuck up young chap! You analyze yourself well, and if you listen to what your post says you can figure out what you want. Then you will know what to do. I know what it feels like to wait for someone, remeber Anna, I waited for 6 months or something, being totally in love with her. All the while she was in a shitty relationship and even her family was teying to get her to date me. But persistence paid off, we dated for 2 years about. I'm not Don Juan or anything, I screw up relationships right and left. But you sound like you need to muster up a bit of courage and persist and things will work out in your favor as long as your true to yourself. Funny thing is, I actually like a girl with a boyfriend again, it sucks. By the way, I am not a huge conversationalist, so I do read your posts but only comment when it seems like I could tell you something of value. Another by the way, have you ever heard "The Streets", English Hip-Hop group, pretty good, kind of an acquired taste maybe; check them out if you have never heard them! Stay positive my friend and don't sweat the relationship woes too much, I know it is down right immpossible sometimes. Your a great guy and yes you do have a "dynamic personality", you'll find someone or they will find you. Love is hard work, it is in no way a passive endevour. Talk to you later - Dan
Posted by: Dan at January 16, 2005 09:24 PMYou do have an appealing personality: humor, smarts, romanticism, etc. and all. Maybe the thing is to play it by ear and not try to be serious but seriously friendly and romantic if you feel like it. Go with the flow and enjoy others' company as much as you can and it will sort itself out as you get more experience with relationships. It is very important to have that experience before settling for one permanent one, I think, tho Andrew would say not. That way you see what works. Try not to worry about rejection but take a few risks and maybe it will work. I know that in the end you will love having a family, but in between you need to have fun and develop your relationship skills so the family thing will work. I say this as one who developed an incredible skill at rejecting people for fear of being rejected myself. Try working on yourself not to do that; I did and it works. Love ya.
Posted by: claire at January 20, 2005 11:04 PM