today was the first day in my life where i felt like i should have a child by now.
i sat in temporarily for my mom as she worked at the unitarian church's annual holiday bazaar. the more people that walked in the door, the older i felt. the weird part, most of the people walking in were of my parents' generation or older. so why should i feel so old?
i don't know.
i just did.
a few families came in with young children. the parents seemed to be my age or a few years older. that didn't really contribute to my ruminations on mortality.
i started thinking about the transience of my time here on earth. damn deep thinking. and i lost focus. i was trying to read. i somehow managed to finish a book.
but i'm still caught in this whole mortality thought tangent and i want out. it's not that i'm scared of death. i think i feel it's just WAY too early to start thinking about it. and i'm not even thinking of my own death either. it seems to me that everybody should be forever young. my 90-year-old grandmother is more active than many people half her age.
i suppose i've only been affected by limited experiences of death.
my friend told me that his best friend from university is about to be shipped off to iraq for the first time. i don't know anybody who's in iraq or who has gone to iraq or who will be going to iraq. i feel so disconnected from it. but i also feel the weight it adds to my shoulders.
i wish i didn't have to think about these things. i wish life was without problems. flawless execution. then again, life would be so boring without problems.
sorry, i'm thinking out loud.
Posted by iain at December 2, 2005 09:32 PM