I'm so confused right now that the only option I had was to call off anything and everything with any non-relative whom I love, which comes down to two people. It's not fair to either of them to continue, especially if I'm going to be hurting so bad and still so confused.
instead of pondering on all this tonight, I went and played pool with my friend Petr. It was nice not to think about my insides being out for all of two hours.
Now I'm messing with my previous post and seriously contemplating bedtime. Last night was easily the most difficult night I've had just because at one point I think I was teetering on the brink to true insanity.
Eh. I'm feeling relieved that I can stop thinking about love for awhile. Maybe after it cools down a bit, I'll be able to put the pieces where they should be, instead of where they have been (which is where they shouldn't have been).
Today I found a good distraction: work. Heh. I took some notes and then...
I started playing with the audio program (Sound Studio 3) which I will use in my work.
Mind you, I was just playing around, exploring my new program and its capabilities.
It yielded
this:
this:
this:
And now I'm playing around with the tracks themselves.
For example, this:
It's a lot of fun doing this. I just need to get more adept at it and figure some other things out. And I need to find the frickin registration number for the program, which is probably on the box, which I left at my grandmother's condo, where I left it in her storage unit, which she doesn't good to too often. Eek.
I also need to figure out how to convert them to mp3s. This is good though, because by posting these I'm also learning how to display sound clips on the internet! Yay, learning!
I just ate a piece of bread with some cheese. It didn't taste very good and not because the flavor was off.
Nope.
I bought a bottle of Absolut vodka tonight. I was just looking at it thinking that it would taste like vomit.
Everything I look at in terms of food or drink just makes me want to vomit.
I've been telling people that I might not be sober tonight since I can't stand thinking and being alone. But alcohol doesn't appeal any more. Yet there's nobody who isn't involved in my whole momentary nightmare of an existence who could ease my suffering.
I need security and my world is a mess.
I'm going to stop whining and do something vegetative in the hopes that I'll be put in some sort of no-thinking trance and will waste away the hours until I can sleep. If I can sleep.
bad day today. as evidence, i present the fact that it's 4:30 and i'm awake.
heh. maybe i'll tell more when i've adjusted to my new reality.