dammit.
i remember a time, not too long ago, when i was thinking.
daily.
i was inspecting. exploring. and wondering why i thought how i thought.
i miss this.
so, some thoughts....
i'm thinking on a racial level. trying to compare my thoughts now to thoughts in mali to thoughts in college. i live in a primarily black neighborhood. and i feel the weird pressure that comes from being a minority in any neighborhood. but so SO many impulses are trained into my head, that are constantly exercised...
why is it, when i walk by a black man in my neighborhood, something inside me flip-flops a bit... many people, I'll smile to and greet... but that little flip-flop is coming from a long time of social training and no personal experience... but all i know is when i pass a white guy of the same age/size on the street in my neighborhood, i don't feel that.
its strange. traveling in mali, i remember that feeling of being watched wherever i went. i feel it in my neighborhood, and i have to confess, in a sick selfish way, i like it. i like the extra bit of attention. i feel myself wanting to impress people by telling them that i live in THIS neighborhood, yes, me, a white girl, is hip enough and good enough and socially aware enough to live in a neighborhood where she is often the only white person she sees all day...
i'm vaguely sickened by all this.
where does this sense of superiority come from? how can it still hold so firmly in my heart after all these years of aching humility and constant introspection?
how can i feel so superior (or want to feel so), and yet be so down on myself, all at the same time? judgemental and self-deprecating, that's me...
don't get me wrong. its not an "I hate Megan" day. its just, i'm spending too much time at my desk not using my time in any constructive way. and all i want is to be honest. i hoping that from there, i might have a chance at becoming a better person. not better, more righteous. but better. wiser. more caring. compassionate.
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