i am starting off this post not knowing what it is i want to write.
i have this feeling far too often.
dereck wrote a bit about this in a post on his blog. why do we have these things? are they exhibitionist, attention-seeking ramblings, designed to inspire admiration for our depth of character and thought? are they a way to keep tabs on people, to keep up our lives, the kind of friendship that wants to be more that merely information, but never revives itself into time spent and shared, where there is no pressure to have "meaningful" interaction?
i feel that i cannot deny that there is an element of those in my posts. i am an exhibitionist, and far too often i can't keep things to myself.
and there is this desire, every few months, to contact all those meaningful people threaded through the cloth of my life and tell them how much they mean to me.
i have met so many people, and been affected by all of them. my mind is more malleable than i ever thought good for myself, and so i never thought myself strong or noble, because my opinions were always being revised upon the receipt of new information. those people hold places in my mind, pieces of information, emotional, spiritual inspired and sacred. there are too many to name, and sometimes, i think to myself, how shall i ever keep track of them all? how shall i ever pay homage to the peole that they are, and how they shaped the person i have become?
and i have come to believe that the way we touch each other's lives is not only determined by the spacetime we share together. there are those i spent years with, and barely learned a thing, but some that in only weeks (or days (or hours)) still ring in my brain, as true, as real, as now i wonderwheretheyare and howdoIgoback so that i might reconnect brain to brain, heart to heart, in a real way? but...
you can't.
moments passed and all your life, you cannot
go back. these people are not lost to me in memory, but in the now, we can only go over the new developments in our lives, and ache to find that same connection, but never quite get there.
unless we revise. revisit. reinvent.
commit. to the rebuilding of a startling effecting relationship.
we cannot add on to the house of the past.
but simply build on its foundation. and start the structure anew, with a different
architecture,
a different interaction of
light and dark.
but this blog is not read by those whowereonceclose but are nolonger.
it is read by those i love. still in my life.
with palpable time on their hands.
so why do i write?
i believe it is to feel that i am doing some thinking in my life.
i miss school. i miss the feeling of tired brain thinking, too confused to stop.
i miss processing. i miss journals that feel thick in my fingers, guilty that i'm so busy wrapped up in the thoughts of myself.
when i was traveling, i felt like there was a new thought every day, a new struggle, along with the old of homesickness.
but now, it feels like one long series of the same issues: the dissappointment in my work, a feeling of mediocrity and laziness towards art, the debilitating feeling of being broke, the miss of my love.
i hate for this to all sound so negative.
but i realize:
i am struggling to survive in more than one way.
searching for rent.
yearning for love.
screaming for my brain to start working again.
maybe i should make myself write essays on the books that i read. perhaps i'd read them more concientiously. perhaps i should read them twice.
perhaps, if these are the things that i love, i should either be an artist or a scholar?
i've gotta go back to school.
so my blog. a thinking woman's record of the attempt to think.
Posted by at March 17, 2004 10:04 AM | TrackBackBeing back in school is over-rated. Sure, it's cool to get your brain working again. But you spend most of your time feeling like an utter moron. Or...at least...I do. Which may only mean I _am_ an utter moron.
Now that I'm back, all I want is to get out again.
Posted by: Christopher at March 17, 2004 7:43 PMwhy is the grass always greener?
i know chris, i'd eventually feel the same way... why can't i do it all, now, all at the same time?
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