.... but i have INSURANCE!!
a strange, slightly eerie circle of spots has appeared on my back. it could be a sign.
of my deep, disturbed self? of my participation in the divine cycle of spiritual life? or a strange penchant for spherical junkfood such as cheeseballs and lemonheads?
the world may never know.
in any case, the company i am working for may collapse at any moment, but i'm still being paid, and hey, i play guitar a little better at least.
the job search is still all for naught, unlike a certain lovely habit of mine in chicago, who's fortune has gone from a seemingly endless string of ramen-filled nights to a glamorous get-away weekend to sun-filled..... washington, d.c.
well, filled with sun while you're here anyway. you know how it always rains on your last day with me.
oh the tides of change. they pull and they push
at some bruised finger tracks
and wash on the shore of our futures
what we all might bring back
dude.
its farking cold here.
i can't believe it.
you know, how sometimes, you go to meet up with someone who was a mentor in the past, or you had a good connection with, you go, you have a lunch of scrumptious sushi on a cold new york avenue, and then, an hour and a half later, you run out of things to say?
you know that feeling?
yeesh.
the rest of my weekend has been grand. NTI'ers who were glad to see me and the same as ever, time with Dan Diamond in the ethiopian restaurant and subsequent coffee shops decorated with six dollar deserts (we bought two), and then of course, my lovely friend sebastian, who provided the convenient excuse for the trip to have some headshots taken. but really, how many headshots can you take in a graffitti-filled parking lot in soho when its only 10 degrees out?
six rolls, apparently.
we went to a jam. today we are watching monty python. and tonight i return to the absurd entity that is washington, dc. what is this town? it feels as if no one is from there. it feels like the whole place is crisis managing, 24/7, like its all on the verge of falling apart, but somehow, together, the city is holding itself together by a simple though formidable act of will.
i miss the fields of my childhood and the forests of minnesota. the farmstead in the connecticut. the village of kinvara. the little places, full of big people. i'm going home to a place like that someday. i just wish i knew where it was.
... though sore, still moving.
bloody cold outside today.
i am going to new york next weekend.
if you're there, i'll come see you.
if not, i'm working on coming to see you anyway.
not a lot of deep thought in the last few days.
just a day off that was spent in the same house for 24 consecutive hours, re-reading harry potter number 5.
it is days like this that make me feel good. a full weekend of teaching and two-year-olds set up, and i'm quite glad of it. good news from the other side of the appalachians.... a bright voice early in the morning. mmmm....
"you have to admit, its getting better. its getting better, all the time..."
having zdanna here makes life lovely. its like two roommates for the price of one! (bribing laura to live with me was a one shot deal, but as long as zsa never finds out, my premiums can stay low... i mean, really, would YOU want to live with me? i'd go insane!)
i miss my mommy.
i am pleased by this thought.
i am dancing more. trying to organize an independent contact jam so i can dance more than once a week.
i'm also going to try some Feldenkrais(tm) classes.
i know, i know. how can i bear to take a movement class with its own trademark? it feels vaguely like joining WeightWatchers(tm)...
except without the whole "feel like crap about your body so get rid of it" feeling.
and the expensive, not so yummy food.
and more with understanding and creating ease in your body.
so really, nothing at all like that.
i suck. no, no, i take that back. a friend at the dance (with whom i find it impossible to communicate with in any palpable way, but nonetheless, a nice guy) told me I shouldn't say that. "its not classy."
so. i don't suck.
(no matter what laura says.)
i'm silly. tee hee(tm).
with.
dissatisfaction.
man, re-read True and False, by David Mamet.
Its just a real nice wake-up call.
I have a friend, whom, I love, we'll call him "Dereck", who keeps quoting me something that I said to him.
I think perhaps, I ought to take my own advice and "dammit, just do it."
we're working on this.
one step at a time.
spoke with Padraic, still a mentor for me, a director in New york whom I speak to and update with on a semi-annual basis, who asked me some really practical questions about all this crap i want to do.
i think i'm just going to have a better time doing it than I have been.
To Do:
1. Practice, practice, practice. guitar, that is. by next year this time, i'd like to be worthy of finding a teaching and buying a nicer instrument.
2. Davai, davai, davai. Stop frickin' sittin' around and do something about it. Yep, that's a never-ending one. Get a voice teacher, take more classes.
3. Start all-girl rock band with Zdanna and Laura. Or maybe just old time music covers of rock classics.
4. Do more Alexander technique before my back falls apart completely.
5. Contine to "Shut Up." Megan talks too much. Talk less, listen more.
6. Lift weights. Get buff. Lose ability to speak in anything but fragments.
7. Stop sucking. Laura told me to work on that one. She turned to me on the bus one day and said: "Megan, when are you going to stop sucking?" I thought I'd give her a break.
8. Love more deeply, freely, compassionately.
9. Learn more. Read more books. Learn more. Mind stagnating.... brain.. shutting down... William Shatner voice.... taking over....
10. Oh god, just to love it all. all the dirt and muddiness and light and glory the year and the world has to offer. Say less. Do more.
Anybody else?